I ALWAYS felt alone. Rejected by my mother, I wasn’t the type of child she wanted. Rejected by my sister, she only wants perfect people in her life – I always felt alone. Molested by my grandfather, with no one to help because they didn’t know, I always felt alone. Full of fear and so alone.
When I became a Christian, I struggled in the Lord. OH! How I’ve struggled. I figured I wasn’t smart enough, good enough or worthwhile enough. I grew up thinking I never measured up, so how could I, as a Christian, measure up to all these things that Christians are supposed to be? I didn’t have the training others had, it seemed I just didn’t know enough or understand well enough.
I was the johnny-come-lately, the one behind the 8-ball, the outcast, the black sheet. I was the one that wasn’t wanted, not loved. I was the one that didn’t have anyone in her corner. Or so I felt and thought.
I have been a follower of Jesus for 38 years now. Following hard after Him for 35 yrs. It was in 2015 that I realized God loves me. That’s a long time to struggle to understand it, find it out, figure it out. It was an epiphany. I had just told my earthly Dad he can’t tell me what to do in my life or run my life or talk down to me, and all of a sudden, I realized HOW God is my Father. How LOVING God is.
I’d also had an epiphany of God loving me in 2002, going camping, late start, we set up camp in the dark, with a monsoon coming on. Woke up in the middle of the night with the foot of my sleeping bag outside the tent, where it was soaking wet. The water had wicked up the zipper, but I was dry and warm. There was damp on either side of my pillow, happy for me, when I sleep, I don’t move or move much. I had a deep fear of hypothermia at the time and I asked God to not let my head get wet. Upon awakening in the morning, both sides of my pillow were completely wet thru, but I wasn’t wet.
Getting out of the tent, we saw a wadi. A wadi is a depression in the earth that looks like where a river should go, but it’s dry in normal weather. Until monsoons hit and then it’s a torrent of rushing water. Our tent was on the EDGE of the wadi. A few more inches and we would have drowned. That’s a pretty powerful God, that can stop someone from doing something in the pitch dark, without them even knowing it.
On January 28, 2017, I had a new epiphany on prayer.
I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know what I was praying about, or thinking about, or crying to God about, but all of a sudden I knew that the reason i am getting through areas of blockages in my life NOW, is because someone prayed for me! Some of my ancestors prayed for me!
I was floored, a feeling of relief washed over me, I started crying. [cause that’s what *I* do! LOL ] The scripture that says ‘there is a great cloud of witnesses around us’ Hebrews 12:1 – took on new meaning.
SOMEONE PRAYED FOR ME! OMGOSH, I WASN’T ALONE!
So I wrote the poem below: [oh seriously? I can’t make page breaks after each line? I need to find a new wordpress host] I have found a way to thwart it. DON”T use automattic.com!
As yet they did not know me But they knew the Lord
They knew they’d have descendants They relied upon His Word
When they’d say they’re prayers They’d get down upon their knees
They prayed for their descendants And one of them was me
Without their prayers from long ago I would not be here
I always felt so all alone And I was full of fear
I was meant to be destroyed And not walk out my call
But the prayers of my ancestors Saved me from that fall
©Janine M Joi
As I was reading Ephesians yesterday, I realized that Paul prayed for me as well! Ephesians 1:16-19; 3:15-19.
The holy and revered apostle Paul, prayed for ME! OH. MY. GOSH! It all ties in!
So you see we are not alone. We not only have a great cloud of witnesses in the spiritual world around us now, [the Jesus side is the only one that has a cloud of witnesses], we also have the prayers of our ancestors surrounding us and uplifting us!
Time to write a new song. [done, 6-9-17] It’s not me on the screen cause I don’t have the confidence yet.
Sometimes I still get the fear that people will think I’m just absolutely so stupid that I didn’t know all this years ago. But even in the face of that fear, I still keep writing my journal online because God told me to do so in 2003 and He hasn’t said I could quit yet. [I asked a year ago, several times] So if what I write helps even one person, the ripple effect will be huge. So I just plow thru the feelings of inferiority and spill my guts for everyone to see, because this is one of the things God has told me to do.
Just think! At some point [and I hope it’s soon!], I’m going to have confidence in myself and what I know. And won’t that be a fine day!